Icebreaker
by AnsuzWhispers
Summary: Things did really turn for the worst this evening. However, that was not the problem. The actual problem was, Ami had already known it would happen. Still she had dared to hope that this time things would be different. Just for once, her naive fantasies could have turned out to be reality...


_AN: Hey guys, here is my first fanfiction. English is not my mother tongue so I hope there are not too many mistakes. Enjoy..._

Icebreaker

It had been a mistake. She knew it from the beginning. In her condition going out had been the worst decision possible. Still she had done it. Despite the risks she had been that foolish. How unreasonable. And how utterly pointless it was at the end. And now she was paying the price. The pain had gotten worse. But what would you expect, if you walk around with probably two broken ribs and a badly bruised shoulder. Heck, even the taxi driver had noticed that something was wrong with her. He had eyed her during the whole trip in the back mirror and even asked her once if she was ill. Well, to be honest, she definitely looked like it. Her mirror image had reflected an ashen face glistening with sweat. Each tightly controlled inhale of breath had been a painful experience and she had trouble to sit upright. Therefore, in his shoes she probably would have worried as well, that her passenger might drop dead from an unknown illness. If that happened outside his taxi, then so be it, but inside it was actually his problem. Of course, she had denied his question assuring him that she was well. Only feeling a little bit under the weather. Sometimes it was astonishing what white lies people accepted, if it was in their best interest not to dig any further. God beware, if he had to bring her to a hospital, answer demanding questions of doctors or lose even a minute of precious time to earn money. Still, he sped up a bit afterwards, clearly wanting to get rid of the ticking time bomb in his backseat, before it exploded.

So, she reached home 10 minutes earlier than calculated. She supressed a grunt while heaving herself out of the backseat. Her dress made it even more difficult to move, but she managed without showing her discomfort too much. At least she wore no high heels. She was also careful with her shoulder. The wound had started bleeding again some time ago and she had taken care not to smear any of it on the leather seats. Fortunately, her black blazer concealed the crimson bloodstains effectively. Not as if he would look close enough to notice. Actually, he was staring deliberately in the other direction, probably anticipating her quick departure. In the car she had already set aside some money to pay him. Back then and also now she avoided to use her right arm. She wasn't sure, if she could suppress a gasp of pain otherwise. It already cost her a great amount of effort to keep her facial expression under control. However, she shouldn't have worried. The driver had obviously already decided for himself not to notice anything at all. Ignore all kinds of trouble and the trouble ignores you. That was actually a nice naive illusion to live by. If it was actually working she would gladly consider it for herself. For some people it might. For her clearly not. So he just accepted her money and drove off.

Ami just exhaled painfully. She was home. Her apartment was the penthouse suite. She dragged herself forward and put with a shivering left hand her key into the keyhole. And now to the 11th floor. God bless the fact, that they had an elevator. She pressed the call button and waited, leaning tiredly against the next wall. Soon, she would not have to pretend any more. Soon, she could lay down and rest. Soon, there would be no prying eyes watching her. And she was finally alone and there was no need to keep up the act any longer. A pling sound finally signalled the arrival of the elevator. Fortunately, it was empty. However, there was a camera installed. _Not yet._ She tried to reassure herself. _But soon._ She tried to breathe as flat as possible and the seconds stretched. Finally, she reached 11th floor. She could now already see the entrance door to her apartment, but the last meters actually proofed to be the hardest. She had to force her body with every step not to shut down right on the spot. When she finally closed her apartment door from the inside, she was tempted to just let her body crumble to the floor. However, she knew that it was not very likely that she would get up again soon. So, she had to be satisfied with a short rest leaned against the door.

Then Ami sluggishly dragged herself to her room using the walls for support. Her ribs were killing her. And to add up to the physical pain she couldn't be more miserable concerning her mental state as well. Things had really turned out worst this evening. However, that was not the problem. It was that she had already known it would happen. Still she had dared to hope that this time things would develop differently. Just for once, her naive fantasies could have turned out to be reality. But, of course they didn't. She had anticipated it. She had expected it, because that was what always happened. So why was she feeling so miserable? Shouldn't knowing and expecting this particular outcome lessen the pain? That is what would be logic, wouldn't it? Well, it didn´t. Because sadly there always remained a shred of hope somewhere. Bracing for the worst, didn't mean that you stopped hoping for the best. Everyone who thought so only lied to himself. No matter how tiny it is, hope always clings to ones thoughts like permanent glue. And whenever that hope is shattered, even if it was only the tiniest splinter, it hurt like hell, because it pierces right through your heart. The disappointment was eating her up. The dreadful feeling of being dispensable, unimportant and utterly alone.

There were painkillers and bandages in the last cupboard drawer hidden beneath her underwear. She probably would not have the energy to apply new bandages. But, she definetely needed the painkillers. Together with a glass of water, she gulped them down unceremoniously. Then she eyed her bed longingly. Lying down was all she wanted right now. So she did. Slowly. Painfully. She closed her eyes in bliss and finally let exhaustion overcome her. Breathing still hurt. How would she sleep like that? _You should not. You should treat your wounds._ The not so drowsy part of her demanded. They are not life- threatening. I'll deal with them later. _You are bleeding on your bed sheets._ It added persistently. Who cares? I'll throw them away, tomorrow. All she wanted right now was sinking into a deep and dreamless sleep. Suddenly she had the distinct feeling that she was no longer alone. She opened her eyes wearingly.

„I know that you are here." She growled already dreading with every fibre of her being, what was bound to come.

„I did not want to startle you. You do not look as if you could take it right now." A voice answered matter of factly.

Typical. As if even a shred of sympathy would have been asked too much. „What do you want? Telling me: I told you so? Are you here to gloat? You want to berate me that you knew from the start? That I should not have expected any different from the beginning?"

She could imagine the criticizing raised eyebrow the other would show. „Self-pity doesn't suit you. You should be above things like that."

Ami huffed. „Forgive me if I am not in the mood for your lectures right now."

„I am not here to lecture." The voice answered coolly.

Really. How fortunate. If only it was true. „Then why are you here? It's not as if the world is ending right now. For that you could have picked plenty of other opportunities."

„Not everyone's world."

Ami rolled her eyes. Sometimes this really unnerved her to no end. „Just tell me what you want. I am not into cryptic conversations this evening. I only want to rest."

„Why would you think that I want something? I never want anything when I appear."

„Because then I could just provide whatever you desire and you would be gone again." Brutal honesty was at the moment the only thing she was capable of. She did not have the energy to wrap it up nicely. Neither did she want to. Unfortunately, ruffling her feathers would not work with that particular unwanted guest.

„I am sorry to disappoint you, but it won`t be that easy to make me leave." And right she is.

„You should know me by now well enough to know when I will not appreciate your presence. Just to make it clear. Now is such a time." She clarified rather rudely.

„Yes, these are usually the times you need me most."

„No, these are the times I wanna be alone." Ami corrected stubbornly already feeling how her pulse quickened in annoyance.

„That is actually the same."

Why did she have to behave like such a pestering know-it-all? „Stop berating me as if I am a petulant child. I don't need your dubious wisdom."

„And it's usually times like these when you get all outgoing and vile." The voice added as if Ami didn't even say anything.

„Because you never listen. This is the only way to get rid of you." She was beyond being friendly right now. She outright hated it when her opinion on something was dismissed without even hearing her out.

„Well, this time it won't work. Just for you to know although I think I already mentioned that."

Her carefree tone of superiority unnerved Ami to no end. „Do you have to be so stubborn?" She asked outrightly.

„No. But I want to."

„Sometimes I am really asking myself why I am stuck with you. Considering your reputation as wisest of the Senshi your actions are sometimes more than stupid." If she could be stubborn and hostile, Ami could as well.

„Yes, it's actually a small line between wise and stupid."

„One you cross regularly, I presume." Ami mumbled sourly.

„Indeed. You would not believe how often it is actually downright necessary to step a couple of notches lower. Because to be wise you have to understand the people, especially the stupid ones."

„Great, guess you consider me one too?"

„I consider all people stupid one way or another."

Everyone was beneath her. Of course. „Really? Then I am at least not alone in this not so elitist club of yours."

„If that makes you feel better, no, you have plenty of company in that regard."

Ami disbelievingly shook her head. „It is really beyond my imagination how someone as arrogant as you can be considered wise." she spit out.

Annoyingly, Mercury did not seem offended at all. She just smiled smugly. „So now you are living out your mean streak on me?"

„If you don't leave me alone voluntarily? Then I guess you have to live with it." Ami suggested her brows furrowed in annoyance.

„Fair enough. I am really curious what else you got. I have always known you have it in you, so show me the real thing, won't you?" She definitely did not have enough energy left for an argument with her Senshi guardian. One she would lose anyway, as always.

„How often do I have to stress it. I don't want to talk."

„You are doing it right now."

„Because you force me to." Ami hissed. The insolence of that woman was unbelievable.

„Really? I did not realize. You started talking on your own. I thought you wanted to get something off your chest."

Don't do it, Ami. She wants to make you angry. She wants to coerce you to respond to her manipulative provocations. Don't fall into her trap. But what else could she do? She was no match for her especially not in her condition. Whatever she did, she would lose.

„I am tired of your games. Please go." So, she was down to pleading now. If that would help, so be it. Who needs pride at the brink of exhaustion? She could not take any more of this. She just wanted her to leave.

Mercury gauged her thoroughly. „This is not a game for me. Neither it is for you."

„No, it`s sad reality." Ami admitted not sure, where these words had come from.

„Wanna talk about sad reality?" She tried again. There was a clear 'no' to that, but what choice did she have?

„Will you leave me alone if I do?"

„Eventually."

Ami considered her vague answer. „That's probably the best I get, isn't it?"

„Probably." Great. Another one.

„It won't solve anything." Ami clarified as if she could end the conversation with just that.

„No, it won't." Mercury agreed whole-heartily.

„It's not as if you could change something. As if you could change her or father on that matter. You might be able to protect me from Youma or Galaxia's minions or the Deathbusters, but you can't do anything about this."

Discussing this was meaningless.

„I know."

"So why can't you leave it be?" Ami asked again now desperate.

"Because _you_ can't leave it be."

„Yes, I can. There is no reason to worry. I will get over it. I always do. I am not a little child craving for mamas attention anymore. I should be happy. I still have both of my parents unlike Makoto who is an orphan. So what if they are busy with their jobs? This is normal nowadays. I am nothing special. There are millions of children who have it worse. I have everything I could wish for. I have no reason to complain. I am almost an adult now. I don't need caretaking anymore. I can fend for myself. I can take care of my own. I am a Senshi goddamnit. I am older, wiser and stronger now. I can deal with everything on my own. I will not be affected by this. I will not let this pull me down."

Mercury simply answered. "That's an awful lot of denials for something that is not affecting you."

„Oh come on, I know what you are thinking. Poor Ami-chan, the cry baby is blowing things out of proportion again. Against the wellbeing of the whole world something like being neglected by the own parents is the epitome of insignificant. I am an ancient almost godlike being. Why should I care for the petty annoying problems of a self-centred teenager? "

„I do not think that. Actually that`s far from what I am thinking."

„Really, you are beyond annoying right now. Even more than usual. Just do me a favour and get lost and leave me alone. Because I won't fall for your tricks and ask what you are thinking. I am not that stupid."

„Sometimes I am wondering."

„What? You now turn on me, too? You now think I am a waste of space as well?"

For the first time, something akin to anger creeped into Mercury´s voice. „Don't you dare call yourself something like that!"

„Sometimes I wonder, why not. It's not as if Mom would notice if I am gone. Even on the rare occasions when we do something together, she is not even looking at me. I could have keeled over from that chair in the theatre and she probably wouldn't have noticed. Heck, even the man at the coat rack noticed that something was wrong and he is not a seasoned doctor nor my mother. It is as if I am invisible for her. I might be there, but a ghost. A supernumerary. An insignificant bystander nobody notices."

"Your presence is noticed and cherished, Ami. By your friends. You know that."

"But why not by her?" Why not by the person that mattered most. A different kind of pain was now lacing every word.

"I am afraid I can not answer that question for you." Ami was distraught but immediately tried to hide it in an attempt to rise her hackles.

"So you are not as all-knowing as you like to appear."

"There is no such thing as all-knowing."

"Of course. How could I even dare to use that word?" She asked sarcastically.

„How are your ribs?"

„Hurting. Especially when I am talking, I might add, not as if you would care. I need some more painkillers and I am actually afraid that I have to get up again to get some."

„You should not move so much. As you should have not from the beginning. There might be internal injuries. Stay put in that bed and heal until tomorrow."

„Can you mend the bones until tomorrow?" Ami asked curiously for a moment glad for the change of topic.

„Who do you think I am? They will be as good as new. If only everything was as easy to fix as that."

Ami chose not to comment on that. „At least something. Then I only have to get rid of the bloodied sheets. Although I doubt she would even notice them."

„Something like that would not have happened if you transformed immediately. You should know by now that Galaxia's minions cannot be taken lightly. And trusting in the Starlights was almost your downfall this time."

„So, lectures it is. I thought you said you weren't here for that."

„I am not. I am here for you Ami." Mercury huffed slightly offended.

„You have already done your job. The Senshi is not needed any more. The fighting is over."

„No it's not. It just begun. A different kind that is." She said cryptically.

„How often do I need to tell you, I am ok. It happened exactly what I expected. I was prepared for it." Ami tried to alleviate her worries.

„No, you are not. Nobody is prepared for something like that. You might claim that, but you are only lying to yourself. You have to be emotionally dead to stay unaffected by this. She simply left. I was there, remember, she just left and I know how much it hurt you. I still feel it reverberating in your very soul. Being set aside again for some hospital emergency for the umpteenth time. However, this time was different to all the others. I know today was supposed to be your special evening. You planned it weeks ahead. Looked forward to it for close to two month. You love Shakespeare. And you always wanted to see Hamlet on stage. It was your birthday present, damnit. You wanted to see that theatre play together with her and she promised to you that you would. For once, you desperately wanted her to keep it. That´s why you dragged yourself to the theatre despite being severely injured. Why you felt obliged to be there no matter what. Because you knew, that there would never be a second chance, if you missed this one."

Ami looked defeated now. „It doesn't matter anymore. I knew she wouldn't keep that promise. It's not a big deal. She had to save a life."

„Don't always be so damn generous!" Mercury hollered.

But Ami would not take it this time. „What else am I supposed to be? Selfish?"

„Yes. There is nothing against being selfish when it's justified."

As if it was that easy. „So what do you suggest? Shall I mime the pouting brat that is angry, because her mother has never time for her? Shall I throw a fit? That I ruthlessly claim whatever I see is justified?" Ami asked aggravated and for once trying to best her and have the last word. To make her see reason. To finally admit that accepting the circumstances was the right thing to do.

However, Mercury did not respond.

They just stared at each other. And Mercury would not relent.

And then it was as if part of Amis anger was leaking out of her and evaporating into thin air. Her shoulders sagged. Left behind was only sad bitterness. „It's not as if I didn't already try that." She finally admitted defeated. "When I was younger Mum promised countless times, that we would go to the Sakura festival together. It was already the third year after her promise and we still hadn't been there. There was always an emergency call, she had to take over hospital shifts or had to attend a doctor's symposium not even in Tokyo. She probably had already forgotten by then. But I hadn't. The other children were always talking afterwards how great it was and I wanted to go there desperately. I even bought the kimono myself from my pocket money. It was hidden in my cupboard for over three years at that time, unused. In the fourth year I designed a plan to make her take the day off."

„I remember now." It was as if Ami hadn't heard her. She just continued with her story solemnly.

„There was a ruckus at school and I got involved on purpose. Actually, I was the one who started it. By deliberately provocating the biggest ruffian of the notorious trouble-making group. The guy was one head taller than me and back then I was a loner in school keeping my distance to everyone and with the reputation of being a cold hearted, arrogant high-class snob. It was easy to get him agitated and I also anticipated that I was no match for him. It was not a very thought-through plan. You would have probably considered it stupid. And even I have to admit; it was. I ended up in the hospital wing with a broken wrist, a split lip and a slight concussion. Of course, I wasn't blamed for any of it. After all, I was the epitome of a role-model student in every teacher's eyes. The unfortunate victim. Someone who was never believed to ever start a fight. They called mum immediately and she actually showed up to get me home. Everything played out, as I had anticipated. She took the day off and stayed home with me to nurse my wounds and in the evening we went out to the festival as a means to elevate my supposed to be sour mood after the incident."

There was a pregnant pause. „ I reached my goal. My plan did work perfectly. We were at the festival together. My kimono was entirely beautiful. As were the cherry blossoms glistening in the moonlight. And mum dedicated her undivided attention to me. We took part in several games and mum even won a koala teddy bear for me. We ate Okonomiyaki and went on the ferris wheel. In the evening we watched the fireworks together illuminating the sky in the brightest colours, I have ever seen. It was probably the longest time we spent together in months… I should have been happy."

Again a short hesitating silence. „But. It.. it was horrible. I was suffering through every single minute of it. Although it was perfect… Although it was something, I longed for years, now I dreaded every single second. Do you know why? Because I always had to think about, what it took to get her attention. What I did. And every smile directed at me by her, felt as if somebody would rip my heart out. Because I didn't deserve something precious as that. Because I earned it through manipulation, violence, lies and deceit, it now felt tainted. Something that was precious beyond words to me before, now was hurting me, blaming me, making me feel like scum. Mum did not notice, what was going on. She thought my bad mood was the aftereffect of the brawl and I didn't deny nor confirm it. I didn't want to spout any more lies and I was too much of a coward to admit the truth. Suddenly, I was glad, that I was injured. The pain felt like a just payment for my heinous deeds. I have never felt that miserable. It was my own guilt, that was eating me up. And besides the shame of what I have done, there was also this nagging thought in my head adding up to my misery. _You have to be injured for her to finally notice you._ I only got her attention out of pity. The doctor's attention caring for the injured, not that of my mother."

Ami looked away into the far end of the room. She felt like being 10 again.

„That was the first and last time I did something like that. I have never worn that kimono again and I could not even look at the koala, although I still have both of them. I learned an important lesson that day. The price to pay wasn't worth the keep at the end. That the way of attaining something can destroy the thing you want to attain itself. And that my conscience isn't cut out to endure such vile tactics. From that day on, I did not complain any more or even uttered the slightest bit of detest, when she had to leave again. Or when she had to work past midnight. I accepted that there was no way to change it and that I had to learn to deal with it. I tried to make her proud. To show her that I can take care of myself. To be considerate and understanding. To get only smiles, that I deserve no matter how rare they might be. And it worked. From time to time she realizes, that we haven't spent much time together and then we go out and do something. It may not be as often as I would like and there may be interruptions, but I learned to live with it."

„That is now her guilt you are using. Guilt is more powerful than any form of deceit could ever be. You experienced that yourself."

Ami shook her head vehemently. „I do not want to make her guilty. That is not my intention. I accepted that our time together is rare. And I will not spoil it with deceit, lies or any hard feelings or accusations. I want to cherish it. It´s too precious to waste it."

"So that's why you never complain. To avoid confrontation?" Mercury asked bewildered.

Ami smiled sadly. "I have always preferred peace. But maintaining peace always takes effort and sacrifice."

Mercury shook her head. "It usually takes effort from both sides. With what you do, things will never change."

"It was impossible for them to change from the beginning. My mum is a doctor. She will always be. Taking that from her would destroy her and everything that I admire about her."

„I see. So, you are wearing a mask. One that displays a smile to the public while you are crying in the inside. Isn't that deceit, too?" Mercury asked sadly.

„Maybe, but I consider this form less selfish."

„Yes, the only one it hurts, is you, one might presume. However, your mask is not perfect. It cracked today, didn't it?"

Ami smiles. „Nothing is perfect. Even if you try not to have them, there are always expectations. So, yes, it cracks from time to time. When that happens, I always make sure to pick up the pieces myself. You know, it can always be reassembled."

„Only if you find all the pieces." Mercury added darkly.

"Don't worry. I'll manage. I am strong, remember? You taught me to be. Sometimes you just have to tell me again so I don't forget."

There was something akin to understanding, nostalgia and pride in her voice. "Yeah, sometimes I forget, too. I still see you as the little girl who needs comfort and help. Guess, that´s a thing of the past. You've grown over the years. Everything that happened made you stronger."

"Everything that happened. And you. And my friends. However, sometimes that little girl in me still needs guidance and protection. I guess it always will."

"That´s what I am here for. I am your Senshi guardian and your protection is what is most important to me. And that includes besides your physical wellbeing your mental as well. I am always here for you, Ami. Never forget that."

Ami let her head hung in shame. „I am sorry for my out lash towards you and I apologize for calling you arrogant. I know that is no excuse, but I was lost in anger earlier."

„There is no reason to apologize. I wanted you to be angry, Ami. To let it out for once. I wanted to be the one you show the face behind the mask especially if you are crying or angry. I want to be the one you trust with the truth. Can you grant me that privilege?"

Ami hesitated. „I don't know. I am not good with this. I hate this side of me. It's so illogic and…stupid sometimes."

„That's what it is supposed to be. Everyone behaves stupid from time to time. Nobody is perfect. That includes me. Our feelings guide us through our life and quite often, they are in conflict to everything else. Just allow it to happen. That is what makes you human."

„I was wrong. There is no doubt, you are indeed wise. I am sorry for what I said earlier. Thank you for caring."

„There is no need to thank me, either. And now rest. I will personally make sure, that you don't move an inch from that bed until you are well again and I am sure your friends will call first thing in the morning."

"So we are finally done talking?" Ami asked relieved.

"I guess so. Or is there something else you wanna tell me? I mean, we have plenty of time and you can't really run away… so…"

"Mercury?" Ami interrupted her.

"Yes." The energy being moved closer to her bed eager to listen to her young ward and any further problems she might have.

"Just shut up, will you?"

Mercury sighed defeated. "I'll do my very best."

Ami just grunted disbelievingly before finally closing her eyes. The Senshi of Mercury was complicated, eccentric and sometimes a real pain in the ass. However, her presence blessed her with the rare feeling of being protected and cared for.

Mercury watched her drifting into a restless sleep. A frown was visible on her face. The Senshi watched her with a disheartened look. She was the Senshi of Ice. The wielder of tremendous magical power. A divine being that was thousands of years old. And no human on earth rivalled her intellect and knowledge. As such, she was Ami's guardian. Mercury clenched her fists. She was supposed to protect her. She did so against Youmas, the Death busters and Nehelenia. However, against the things, that hurt her most, her divine guardian was simply powerless.


End file.
